It is a Saturday morning and the washing needs to be done, the house needs cleaning too. It is something that has to happen every weekend after a long gruelling week at work. Since Sandy left I have to do it myself. I cannot afford to replace her. Today is one of those days when I wish I had a better job. I lie in bed thinking how different things might have been. My mind wanders and I allow it to float to a time and place when this house was a home. A time when cleaning was a joy, not the chore it is now.
I need every excuse in the book to stay in bed. I have done this for months. The washing is piling up. The house has not been swept for weeks. The phone rings, interrupting my sojourn into a make-believe world. It is Lacey my friend for work. “Can I come over to pick my scarf later?” I quickly offer to drop it off on my way to see someone. “Are you sure, I am not putting you out of your way, am I?” “No …no it’s okay seriously.” I say this with convincing emphasis; she quickly thanks me and hangs up the phone. Of course I am not seeing anyone. I had no plans to see anyone. I have no plans to leave the house at all. In fact I have not left the house for 3 weekends in a row. I just do not want her to see the mess that I and my house are in.
I roll over to face away from the streaming daylight. It is shaping up to be a beautiful day. The sky is a blue with not a cloud in sight, but I do not really care. I slide my phone in its place under the pillow, not before turning down the volume. I am no expecting any calls today. I close my eyes and for the longest time allow myself to stop thinking. I ignore the images forming behind my closed eyes. I squeeze my eyes firmly shut until they hurt. The images go away only to be replaced by more. The laundry fleets by, so does the sink piled high with dishes and my clothes strewn all over the house like a hurricane had torn through the house. I am not fazed. Slowly I drift off to sleep. My last conscious act was to curl up like a foetus and cover myself head to toe under the 13tog quilt he bought for me.My last conscious act before the hauntingly familiar dream.
There is awkwardness between us today. You will not sit next to me. “I need to know.” You evasively ask me “What’s there to know? I am alright.” But that is a lie and I know it. You were always a bad liar. “Look at me and tell me you still love me.” I ask you. You walk to the window but say nothing. The air between us grows thicker by the second.
This dream I have had for weeks now. I seem to know it by heart. There is a pain that sears through my heart each time I dream. I cannot get you to say the words I need to hear. Can you not make up your mind? Is it so difficult to say “I have stopped loving you.” I can deal with that. It is strange that I want to hear such painful words. It’s the catharsis I guess. Sometimes the blood- letting heals the spirit. And that’s what I want.
Why can you not say it? Is it because you are afraid to close the door on us? Because you want to come back in, when it gets cold out there, like you have done so many times before? You take my heart for granted. I have always allowed you to woe me back, teased you a little while deep down I was so happy to see you back. I was secretly elated that you went away, you found the world impossible even hostile and cold without me so you came back! I felt indispensable and inside I gloated, when the girls you left me for cried into their pillows.
I do not love you as I used to. I just want you to admit it’s over. I want you to leave for good because I cannot trust myself not to open the door for you again if you wandered back. Just say the words. There is a bag under the bed. It won’t take long to pack your clothes. Just say the words. Damn…
There is a loud knock on my window. It startles me. I glance at the clock next to my bed. It is midday. With a groan I walk to the window, it’s my friend she came for her scarf after all. What could be so bloody special about a scarf! I am angry with her for interrupting my dream. I was nearly there. You nearly told me what I want to hear.
Damn her….!
mariazest1 